Suella Braverman to institute new Tory Christmas of anger and ill-will to all men

author avatar by 10 months ago

The government is to create a new Tory Christmas featuring anger on Earth and ill-will to all men.

The new Tory Christmas will replace the traditional Christmas with its values of ‘peace on earth and goodwill to all men’ which Home Secretary Suella Braverman recently described as ‘ghastly old hippie nonsense that has no place in a modern post-Brexit Britain’.

“Under this Tory government, we can look forward to Christmases that are exemplified by meanness, fighting and shouting at foreigners to go home,” explained Braverman, as she supped happily on the blood of a recently sacrificed virgin asylum seeker.

“I look forward to children across the land waking on a silent Christmas morn and shouting that their presents are a load of old shit and they hate everyone.

“Families will then spend the day in separate rooms, before the men of the house head into the local town centre to beat up some homeless people.”

It is understood that Clinton Cards have already replaced their traditional range of Christmas Cards with some blank white cards that simply say ‘f**k off,’ and Christmas carols will be replaced with just shouting.

“Of course, having a Happy New year will be replaced with having a really miserable, horrible New Year,” continued Braverman.

“But I would have thought that was obvious anyway with what we’ve got planned.”