Neuralink trialling a new brain implant that makes you want to pay $8 for Twitter Blue

author avatar by 12 months ago

Neuralink, the brain implant company owned by Elon Musk, is developing an implantable brain-computer interface that ensures users are willing to spend $8 a month on a Twitter Blue subscription.

The new design will be ready in the new year, and hundreds of thousands of simps are lining up to be artificially convinced how great Elon Musk’s latest business idea really is.

Elon fan and Twitter user Marcus Hunt told us, “Simping for Elon Musk is hard work. He keeps doing stupid things, and I have to keep throwing myself into the comment threads to defend him with all the enthusiasm you’d expect of a man whose lover had their honour questioned by an online cad.

“It’s exhausting. It would be amazing if Neuralink had a chip that made me genuinely believe Twitter is getting better and better. Borderline miraculous in fact.”

A Neuralink spokesperson, Chuck Williams, told us, “It’s still early days, but we are confident this new chip will ensure the user not only pays Twitter $8 a month, but will also leave them thinking it is a brilliant idea to keep doing so.

“We came up with the idea after many of the monkeys we regularly experiment on were left so brain-damaged they just wanted to hand over $8 a month to Elon Musk.

“However, if this implant ultimately fails, and it can’t convince people to pay $8 a month, we’ve found we can achieve a similar outcome by simply removing a large chunk of the prefrontal cortex to limit their capacity for critical thinking.

“The more brain we remove, the harder they simp for Elon.”