In a move that absolutely nobody saw coming, the owner of cryptocurrency exchange FTX has been charged with “orchestrating a scheme to defraud investors”.
Sam Bankman-Fried has been charged by the securities and exchange commission, stunning absolutely no one who has ever had so much as a cursory glance at the huge pyramid scheme at the heart of all crypto investments.
Hobbyist investor Derek Matthews told us, “I don’t get it; crypto seems such a lovely marketplace full of lovely people who only have your best interests at heart – they’ve all been so keen to tell me how well their investments are doing, and to get me on the inside track so I can make money like they do, investing in the same things they do.
It’s kind of like a family. Well, a family that you never see and that stops returning your messages once they have your money.
“I just don’t see how it’s possible that fraud on such a massive scale was able to take place in a marketplace as friendly as this one?”
Non-moron Simon Williams told us, “Any investment opportunity that spreads primarily through comment spam, chatbots, and fake social media profiles should be avoided at all costs. These crypto gurus are just a different sort of groomer, looking to pump and dump all over you, only they target the intellectually vulnerable rather than the sexually vulnerable.
“I put all my money in a sock last year and buried it in the garden, it is currently outperforming bitcoin by 55%.”