God hears Neymar’s prayers, says ‘No’

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God has heard the repeated prayers of Brazil forward Neymar Jnr and his desire to win the World Cup, and told him ‘No’.

A spokesperson for the widely popular deity told us, “He gets a lot of prayers, you know?

“At one end of the scale there are the selfless prayers of people wanting to protect loved ones, to heal sick relatives and so on – and says ‘no’ to loads of those. While at the other end, there are the people who want to win the lottery, and he says ‘no’ to almost all of those.

“Beyond that end, if you keep going way beyond the point at which God no longer cares about your prayers, you get to the footballers.

“God is omnipotent, so hears them; he just… well.. doesn’t really care about them. He’s more of a basketball fan, to be honest.

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“Look, the reality is, if God rewarded the footballers who prayed the hardest, then each match would be held up by ever-longer periods of devout footballers on their knees asking for divine intervention to lead them to victory – and loads of people already go mental when England kneel for a couple of seconds before each game. Imagine if it was for several minutes at a time.

“So no, Neymar didn’t get the victory he prayed for. Sorry about that. Mainly because the Croatian strip reminded Him of His favourite tablecloth.”