King Charles announces plan to replace Beefeaters with Quorneaters

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King Charles has announced plans to extend his vegan tendencies to the Tower of London now that he has ascended to the throne.

Charles, who has often spoken of his environmental concerns, admits he already adheres to a vegan diet at least once a week, and is keen to see the royal family do more to promote the lifestyle now that he is king.

Palace officials have refused to comment on the leaked document, which consists mainly of a crudely drawn Beefeater in a uniform made of grass.

A spokesperson said, “We refuse to comment on any speculation regarding the king, mainly because we’re all hoping he’ll soon choose to retire gracefully and give the job straight to William.”

Beefeaters have reacted with caution to the news, previously believing their jobs to be almost as secure as the jewels they guard.

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Simon Williams told us, “Firstly, I think you’ll find the term ‘Beefeater’ is a little bit offensive, our proper title is actually Yeomen Warders of Her Majesty’s Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, and Members of the Sovereign’s Body Guard of the Yeoman Guard Extraordinary – but yes, I guess Beefeaters is okay as shorthand.

“And secondly, if he wants to call us Quorneaters then that’s up to him, you should see the names we call him when we’re off duty. Fair’s fair I suppose.

“I doubt it will happen anyway.  The chances are he’ll make up his mind one way or the other, then tell one of the Palace’s Yucca plants to ‘pass on the message’ and it will die a death right there.”

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