Dominic Raab is getting into the Christmas spirit with the release of his first single.
The smug-faced alleged abuser is releasing his own Christmas single, presumably for charity.
“Erm…NO,” scoffed the beloved deputy prime minister.
“Any money from this tune is going straight into my pocket. I am a Conservative, you know.
“I’m sure everybody will enjoy this ballsy new track, except maybe those cry-baby assistants down the corridor, but who cares about them? Not me, that’s why I routinely trip them over and then loot their unconscious bodies.
“Get ‘Deck the Halls and My Assistants’ to Christmas Number One, and nobody else gets hurt.”
Westminster political assistant, Simon Williams, said, “I’ve streamed the song three hundred times, just to make sure he leaves me alone.
“I hope it works, but he does enjoy giving me a good wedgie, so I doubt it.
“It is a catchy tune, even though the lyrics are objectively horrible and amount to bullying, but I’ve already been told that the Prime Minister doesn’t give the tiniest shit.”