Friday night saw Children in Need raise an incredible £35m, which is 0.3% of the amount the Tories wasted on unusable and undelivered PPE contracts handed out like confetti to friends of Tory politicians.
As generous viewers across the country pledged tens of millions to help those children most in need across the country, Tory ministers sat at home safe in the knowledge they had spunked more than three hundred times that amount on writing cheques to friends for equipment that never saw the light of day.
A government spokesperson told us, “No doubt people will try and spin this into a story about how this government wastes money hand over fist on ‘contracts for the boys’, when it could be spent much better elsewhere – but we take a different view.
“We think it shows how tight the British public is that they can only donate about 0.3% of the amount we gave out for PPE contracts during the pandemic. It’s their fault really.
“The lesson to be learned here is that it’s really important that the public digs deep to give money to the causes they feel are important because heaven knows we’ll certainly never use any of their tax revenue to fund these things.”
Viewer Simon Williams told us, “I donated a tenner, because that’s all I can really afford to be honest, but it’s nice to know I played my part.
“Still, I’m not sure 0.3% of the value of the written-off PPE contracts is the best way of articulating how much money was actually raised in taxpayer money terms.
“I find it easier to say it was about 10% of the cost of refurbishing the Buckingham palace, or 0.15% of the cost of replacing Trident – those figures are much easier to comprehend.”