England fans are reacting to the Qatar alcohol ban with their usual sense of proportion.
The announcement was made that alcohol would not be permitted at World Cup games in a last-minute U-turn, forcing England fans to watch their team in a state of stone-cold sobriety.
“I need beer goggles to watch Maguire,” sighed England fan, Simon Williams.
“When he panics and thumps the ball straight into his own net I need to react with half-cut laughter, not a howl of anguish.
“This decision is the worst thing to ever happen in Qatar.”
Gareth Southgate commented, “I’m disappointed too, this time in someone else’s judgment and not my own.
“I was hoping to have a couple of sneaky tins in the dugout. It’s the best way to cope with the consequences of my own team selection.
“I’ve got a plan though… see this fountain pen? There’s a vodka shot where the ink cartridge should be.
“Can’t wait to neck it when our Harry hoofs an easy pass straight to Iran’s top striker on Monday afternoon.”