There are mere days until the start of the World Cup. Excitement is growing amongst fans of the beautiful game along with hope for a thrilling tournament with all the expected goals, glory and sporting drama.
However, this is the first tournament hosted in a region in which every creature seethes with a burning hatred for all humanity so, if you are a human planning to travel to Mordor, we’ve put together some guidance on what to expect and how to behave.
How do I get there?
From Rivendell, head through the Dead Marshes, then take the Morgul-road through Shelob’s lair leading on to the plains of Mordor. Do not linger in the marshes or you could be overcome by marsh gas and fall down with the dead ones for ever and ever, and Shelob’s lair should be navigated with caution as she is liable to paralyse careless travellers and feed on them at her leisure.
It is also possible to take a budget airline, but that experience can be even more unpleasant.
What can I take with me?
Bring anything you would take on any trip, with one exception – if you have a particularly powerful ring, it might be wise to leave that at home in case it draws unwelcome attention.
Are there any attractions I should visit?
Mount Doom is spectacular, although constantly surrounded by a thick poisonous black fume, so you may want to wear a hat. Barad-dûr is also worth a look, but try not to get caught in the eye of Sauron as few, apparently, can survive its terrible gaze.
Other than that, Mordor is mainly blasted plains. So, maybe bring a book.
Mixing with the locals
The orcs and trolls who populate Mordor enjoy the sweet taste of manflesh and have a long tradition of killing, cooking, and eating humans. As such, the advice is to limit interactions with locals as much as possible. Remain in large groups, and make sure you have some weaponry for self-defence.
It is important, however, to show regard for the local traditions and beliefs. You may well frown on the eating of humans, but you should be a respectful traveller and accepting of other people’s way of life.
What should I wear?
Due to the overwhelming hatred of humanity in Mordor, it would be advisable not to be as openly human as you might be able to do back at home. Pack heavy cloaks and disguises. Use make-up and false noses to appear more orc-like.
It is also worth noting that orcs speak with a heavy London accent so, if possible, try to mimic that so as to blend in.
If you can completely disguise the fact that you are human, then you should find that your stay in Mordor is a pleasant one.
Where can I stay?
There have been a number of hotels built in Mordor in preparation for the World Cup but, disappointingly, it is widely accepted that human, hobbit, and dwarf slaves have been used in large construction projects in Mordor in the past, and this is likely no exception.
Many travellers opt to huddle under thin blankets in the crags of mountains. Whilst the experience will be uncomfortable and cold, it should prove healthier for your conscience.
Why is the World Cup being held in Mordor?
The decision to award Mordor hosting rights for the World Cup has been a controversial one. Only recently, an army of orcs launched a fearsome assault on the lands of Gondor. It is also thought that Sauron plots to acquire the One Ring so he can use its fearsome power to bring all lands under his cruel and terrible dominion.
Former FIFA President Sepp Blatter claimed that awarding the rights to Mordor would be a ‘gesture of peace’ and would help forge stronger bonds between man and orc. However, there is a suggestion that Blatter is actually a tool of Sauron who was corrupted long ago and has only ever acted to further the interests of the Dark Lord in exchange for vast personal wealth.
Why does Mordor want to host the World Cup?
A sporting tournament the magnitude of the World Cup can bring great prestige to a land. Sauron’s rule has been dogged by controversy ever since he freed Mount Doom and destroyed the Southlands, killing hundreds of thousands. Hosting a World Cup could lead to Mordor being considered a respectable country on the world stage and Sauron a decent and trustworthy leader.
Who will win the tournament?
Germany. They always do.