Twitter has warned that there is a higher-than-usual risk of the Twitter app on your phone catching fire today.
“Alright, you f**king losers,” said half-man, half-computer Elon Musk, in characteristically bullish fashion.
“I’m trying something, so there’s a much higher chance than usual that Twitter could catch fire today. So, you should probably use gloves when you’re scrolling through your feed or look at your phone behind fireproof glass or something.”
Mr Musk was unable to explain exactly what it was he was ‘trying’.
“Something complicated with APIs and macro-threading. There’s no way you morons will understand it, I’ve got $250bn. It’s just a thing I’m trying, okay? If it works then it means Twitter will become more technological than it was before, which is good in ways which you won’t understand.”
Mr Musk had sacked his entire workforce, individually kicking them up the arse and calling them fat shits as they left the building, but this morning he rehired them all to work on whatever today’s ‘thing’ is.
The dramatic announcement that the Twitter app might catch fire follows on from yesterday, when a hasty patch roll-out meant that Twitter smelt of bananas all day.