The UK government is to finally put the economy on the right track after learning that there is no financial situation that cannot be instantly rectified by cancelling Netflix and buying fewer avocados.
In an autumn statement that was expected to include tax increases and budget cuts affecting millions of people, Jeremy Hunt will instead explain that he’s fixed everything by cancelling a couple of on-demand streaming services and making a packed lunch.
The Chancellor explained, “I have listened to the many wise financial experts on social media, and they have all repeatedly pointed out that in their day they worked hard and didn’t spend money on things like television and coffee.
“And the OBR agrees. Simply by cancelling all streaming services across the government, and asking people to switch to instant coffee, the nation’s debt crisis has been resolved. Why we didn’t think of this before I have no idea.
“The multi-billion pound black hole is no more. Where there was disaster, there is now only light. Implementing a few simple money-saving steps was all it took to correct a massive structural financial deficit. Who knew?
“Of course, if this doesn’t work, the only people to blame will be the morons online who insist saving £5 a month on ‘luxuries’ is the way to long-term prosperity and financial independence.”