Donald Trump has announced that he will spend the next two years enthusiastically milking sheep.
Trump, who has used the two years since he was fired by the American people to perfect his sheep-milking technique, said he would now be going full-time in his pursuit of milking every last drop from the sheep who follow him.
“My sheep are the best, they’re so good, so much milk, the best milk,” explained Trump shortly before firing off another email to his sheep asking for donations to support his campaign to ask them for more money.
“No one milks sheep like Trump. No one,” he told those at his press conference.
“If sheep milking makes it to the Olympics, I will be getting the gold medal. That I will probably melt down and turn into a toilet roll holder for my bathroom.
“People say you can’t make money from milking sheep, but I’ve gathered $100m by playing the victim in incessant begin emails to hard-working Americans who are only too happy to send a few bucks to a man who claims to be richer than just about everyone on the planet.
“Would I like to be President? Sure, it’s the only way I can stay out of prison, but as long as I can milk a couple of hundred million sheep along the way, I’m happy.”