Relief that 51% of Pennsylvanians voted against electing Hannibal Lecter to Senate

author avatar by 1 year ago

There was widespread relief that the Democrats narrowly won the Senate election in Pennsylvania and prevented Hannibal Lecter from becoming the first cannibal senator in US history.

“I was on the fence for a while there, especially after he won the endorsement of Donald Trump,” said Simon Williams, a cat-fondler from Philadelphia.

“I mean, yeah, Doctor Lecter may want to cut open your skull and eat your brains on a cracker, but he had some really sensible policies on taxation and, to be honest, I think everyone is finding things difficult at the moment, and if there were a way to make some savings, then that would really help.”

Ultimately though, Mr Williams decided against casting his vote for the popular cannibal.

“No, he cut someone’s skin off and wore it as a coat, and I really think we need to cut back on that sort of behaviour in Congress.”

However, despite losing, the psychiatrist and serial murderer can take heart from the fact that he received huge backing from nearly half the state.

“Oh sure, I know he’s a cannibal and everything, but I worry about the Democrat spending plans. I voted for Doctor Lecter, and I’d do it again,” said Eleanor Gay, a Harrisburg tree painter.

With such support behind him, Doctor Lecter is rumoured to be making plans to run again in two years, although he remains coy on the subject.

“Well, Clarice, as the song goes – ‘who knows what tomorrow will bring’ – and now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dismember a man and eat him… no, no, I mean… I’m having an old friend for dinner.”