The latest uncomfortable jungle challenge facing Matt Hancock is a series of phone calls to Tory supporters attempting to recover the hundreds of millions of pounds of written-off taxpayer funds given to them for undelivered PPE.
Simon Williams, a producer on I’m a Celebrity told us, “We obviously want our contestants to feel uncomfortable during the bushtucker trials. That’s what makes good television. For many, that involves creepy crawlies running about all over your face, or dangling you out of a tree, or asking you to eat literal anuses.
“However, for Matt, we’ve realised acute discomfort for him involves making a series of long-distance phone calls to a few of his Tory contacts who got extremely rich by ‘winning’ lucrative PPE contracts, but who then delivered precisely zero PPE during the pandemic – and asking them for our money back.
“If he can get can five of them to give back the millions they took in return for delivering absolutely nothing, then he’ll get five stars for the camp.
“He’s going to fail, obviously. That money is long gone. But it will make good TV once the people on the other end of the phone realise they’re being broadcast to a television audience of millions. We reckon at least one of them will pretend to be a Chinese takeaway when they realise.”
Williams said they are ready for all eventualities once the challenge begins.
He went on, “There is a real possibility that a man willing to eat kangaroo balls will find it too difficult to ask all of his mates for our money back, given they got very rich by delivering bugger all and probably want to stay that way.
“Our viewers will know that contestants can end any challenge on the show by saying ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’, but we’ve changed the rules for Matt. If he says those words, we’ll just reply ‘no you’re not, you’re a public servant, now get on with it’.”