Millions of Labour supporters will be hoping that a Tory wins tonight, and every night, as they prepare to vote for a Tory in the hope he will have to eat a kangaroo’s arsehole.
With Matt Hancock set to enter the jungle in I’m a Celebrity Get me out of here, Labour supporters across the country who would never have dreamed of voting for a Tory will be setting their phones on speed dial ready to vote for their favourite… to be covered in fish guts and spiders.
Lifetime Labour voter Simon Williams confirmed, “I feel kind of bad doing it, and I might have to shower straight after, but I will be voting for a Tory, definitely, all the way.
“Hopefully to do something absolutely disgusting, which he will really really hate, like being covered in snakes, whilst locked in a pitch black vault. Or having to explain which if his mates became multi-millionaires thanks to bank-handed PPE deals he gave them.
“And I want him doing all of that with very minimal PPE to protect him, like, you know, all the health workers and care staff he didn’t care about.
“And then I’m going to vote for him again, and again, just to make sure that he wins, and gets to do the bushtucker trial.
“In fact, I am going to vote for him online too, and again using my house phone, whilst using speed dial on my mobile, because I REALLY want him to lose… I mean win.
“Every single day he is in there I’m going to be voting for a Tory. And I couldn’t be happier doing it.”