Sepp Blatter has said that awarding Qatar the 2022 World Cup was a mistake, after Qatari officials cancelled his regular bribe an entire month early.
A Qatari official is facing a serious reprimand after he accidentally cancelled the bribe which has ensured Blatter’s ongoing support for a tournament that is supported by absolutely no one outside of Qatar and FIFA.
A source at the Qatar World Cup planning team told us, “We have known since 2010 that Sepp Blatter gets paid every month on the 7th. EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Like clockwork. And those payments were to keep going until after the World Cup is over.
“And here we are, like amateurs, cancelling his bribe an entire month before the tournament even starts. So of COURSE he’s going to speak out against us – he’d look like a simp if he didn’t! I bet everyone else who has ever bribed Mr Blatter is checking their standing orders and direct debits as we speak. It’s a pretty good move on his part, I doubt any of the other people who’ve bribed him will make the same mistake we have.
“But us? Christ, you could almost believe this is the first time we’d ever bribed anyone. I mean, it’s not, obviously. It just looks that way because of how incompetent it is not to bribe someone up until the point they no longer need bribing.
“Honestly, by the time we’ve finished with him, the guy responsible for this is going to wish we’d we’d just caught him bumming.”