In this most solemn time of year, it’s very easy to call the sort of people who aren’t swept up in a patriotic frenzy of performance remembrance as treacherous shits who should spend the rest of their lives in The Tower. Which is why BBC Breakfast made for such refreshing viewing yesterday.
Despite being a hotbed of communists, homosexuals, and vampires, yesterday morning, the BBC put aside its agenda of bringing down honest Tory politicians for innocent acts of corruption and showed the simple act of a man having sex with a big poppy in a beautiful and emotional gesture of remembrance.
“I was moved to tears,” explained viewer Simon Williams.
“After an interview with a woman who’d knitted some socks, which was probably biased in some way, some assistants wheeled on a big poppy. Charlie then explained that the poppy had been fitted with artificial, but fully functional human orifices. He then completely stripped off and had full sex with the poppy.
“It was really nice. It really made you think about all those soldiers who’d given their lives for our country. They played a nice acoustic version of Take That’s Greatest Day while he was pumping away, which felt appropriate for the moment. After several minutes, Charlie pulled out, spunked off all over the poppy leaves, and went off for a shower.
“I’ve never seen an act of remembrance quite so moving and sexually arousing. Well done BBC Breakfast and well done Charlie.”
It is understood that giant poppy sex-dolls are now available on the BBC website, and if you don’t buy one, you probably hate Britain.