Kangaroo completely unaware that by next weekend his arsehole will have been consumed by an attention-hungry politician

author avatar by 4 weeks ago

A Kangaroo in Australia, just hours away from being culled by an eager gun enthusiast, is completely unaware that his arsehole will will sat on a plate in front of Matt Hancock within a week.

Derek, an eight-year-old and entirely oblivious Kangaroo, will be shot legally while subject to Australia’s ongoing cull of Kangaroos, but his body – well, parts of it – will be used to entertain British television viewers.

A friend of Derek’s told us, “Oh that’s awful. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’d all like to be on telly, but I don’t think any of us want to appear sphincter first.

“Have you told him? No, best not to. No one wants to know when the end is coming like that, and I’m not sure how he’d take the fact that his rusty sheriff’s badge will be ground down by the molars of a man responsible for thousands of unnecessary deaths in the UK.

“What are the chances of this Hancock fella choking on it? Slim? Right. Oh well. Fingers crossed, eh? I’m sure there were plenty of care home residents who died struggling for breath as a result of his decisions, so it would be a rather ironic way for him to go, gasping for air with a throat full of arsehole.”

Meanwhile, ITV executives have been quick to reiterate that no animals will be hurt during the filming of the show, as long as you don’t include the immense shame of being consumed by a twat in your definition of ‘hurt’.