Use asylum seekers as bonfire ‘Guys’ urges Suella Braverman

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The Home Secretary has encouraged communities to return to the Guy Fawkes Day tradition of lighting a huge fire, but topping it with an asylum seeker instead.

“One of the biggest problems faced by asylum seekers is being ostracised by the community they live in,” said a Home Office spokesman.

“We want to bring them back into the heart of the community, by burning them alive on top of a good old-fashioned British bonfire.”

He denied that this was an attempt to cheaply cut the asylum processing bill.

“No, this is purely to try and bring our communities back together. Although, if the threat of being burnt alive in front of all their fellow asylum seekers encourages a few of them to stay that side of the Channel, then that’s no bad thing.”

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The move has been welcomed by people who enjoy burning things.

“Yeah, I think it’s a great idea,” said Simon Williams of Bracknell.

“I mean, there’s this bloke down my road who is apparently came here in fear of his life from Iraq, but he speaks English better than me – it’s diabolical. We should burn him.

“And his family too.”

However, others were less keen.

“I’m not sure,” said Erica Paul of Brighton.

“I mean, is this just going to send out the wrong message? You know, it’s alright to come across the Channel in a dinghy as long as you get burnt alive once a year?”

Unfortunately for the Home Secretary, her plans may be scuppered by Health and Safety concerns.

“We discourage Guy Fawkes Bonfires, it’s too easy for them to get out of control,” said a health and safety campaigner.

“After all, we don’t want anyone getting burnt, do we?”

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