Elon Musk buys Santa Claus and introduces new $8 fee to ensure “any child” can become verified and write to him

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After months of negotiations, billionaire social media owner Elon Musk has finally got his hands on the Santa Claus empire and has promised big changes to make the organisation profitable after almost 2,000 years of continual losses.

In addition to the immediate dismissal of the 200,000 elves employed by the organisation, lists and letters from children will now have to be paid for.

“There’s no reason the cost of communicating with our employees should be the sole responsibility of Santa Claus Inc, it’s economic nonsense – we have to pay the bills somehow!” explained Musk, a Santa hat on his head.

However, Musk was keen to emphasise that he promises a fair price “for everyone”. 

“For just $20 a month, you can send as many letters to Santa as you want – throughout the entire year – and you’ll get premium guaranteed delivery on Christmas Day,” he explained at a press conference. 

A cheaper deal will be available for $8 a month, but with deliveries up to 50 days after Christmas.

Santa Claus will be gradually retired and replaced by a “distribution collective” in partnership with UPS and Amazon and which should be ready right in time for the holidays. 

“It is no longer possible to pay so much for a solitary little old man who works just one day a year, it is time to modernise and introduce logistical technology into the mix,” explained Musk

“I’m also going to introduce five new Christmases a year, and premium subscribers can enjoy them all on the same day, so all of their Christmases can come at once.”

This article first appeared on our French partner site, Le Gorafi.