Half-term update – Indoor waterparks now 80% spit and urine

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It has been revealed today that indoor water parks are now 72% spit, 15% snot and 8% urine as half-term finally comes to an end across England. 

With most waterparks completely overcrowded with kids throughout this week, so that the owners can make lots of lovely money, levels of snot, spit and urine found in the water has now reached almost 100%. 

Manager Simon Williams from The Sandcastle Waterpark in Blackpool confirmed, “It could even be higher by the end of the weekend and families try to sneak in ‘one last dip’.” 

“We can confirm that having tested the water at lunchtime yesterday, with the place absolutely rammed with screaming kids messing about in the ‘water’ we found that it was generally all just spit.

“Obviously there is other stuff in there too, like snot, and of course some piss, but it was mostly all just spit.

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“I think there was probably around 5% water throughout the whole of the park, which isn’t actually bad considering it’s half-term.

“But for the most part, everyone here will have been swimming around for most of the day swallowing each other’s spit.

“On the plus side – half of the people who came here today can look forward to a nice few days off work and school next week when they all come down with the lurgy.

“Worth every penny.”