Hank Scorpio buys Twitter, seizes East Coast

author avatar by 1 year ago

Volcano-dwelling business magnate and global supervillain Hank Scorpio has announced he has completed the purchase of Twitter for slightly more than one million American dollars.

Scorpio, who first came to the world’s attention by stealing spaceships direct from orbit with a launcher of his own design, is understood to already have significant interests in finance, doomsday weapons and solar panels.

However, after his account was suspended by Twitter for posting ‘Mwa ha ha, I will kill you all’ with a picture of a genetically-grown monster, Scorpio became something of a hero to free-speech advocates.

“If a devilish mastermind with a lava pool full of robot piranhas wants to threaten to kill everyone in the world unless they pay an immense ransom, then social media moguls have no right to stop him,” said commenter SimoWils9749205.

“Social media is the twenty-first century’s town square, and although I never leave my basement I’m confident that if I went to a real town square I’d be able to say anything I please without consequence,” he added.

“Yes, I do have this weird obsession with a megalomaniac who neither knows nor cares I exist. Why do you ask?”