Why I have sworn a blood oath to defeat the Guardian-reading Tofu-eating wokerati and the anti-growth coalition, by Suella Braverman

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I could not be happier to be back at the Home Office and to take a blood oath in my battle to the death against the Guardian-reading Tofu-eating Wokerati and their anti-growth coalition brethren.

For some people, getting out of bed in the morning can be a chore, a grim start to the day greeted by lengthy sighs and audible moans as they consider what lies ahead for them during their working day. How awful that must be, to start your day with such antipathy for what it is to come.

Those people clearly do not love what they do, certainly not the way I love what I do. I say that as someone who can not wait to get to the office each day, as I set my mind to the tasks ahead – such as deporting asylum seekers to Rwanda, revoking human rights legislation in the UK, and wondering if we can use flaming trebuchets to deter migrant boats in the Channel.

These are the tasks that get me excited each and every morning, that put a spring in my step as I long for the thrill of watching grim-faced middle-eastern men slowly climb the stairs of a charter flight to Kigali.

But my mission is under threat. It is threatened by the enemies of the people. The metropolitan elites who hate democracy. My nemeses, the Guardian-reading Tofu-eating Wokerati.

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They will stop at nothing to prevent me from claiming my delicious reward in the succulent tears of the families who have fled war-torn countries for the chance of a new life in the United Kingdom. How DARE they try and stop me from taking what is mine!

They will pretend to be reasonable by asking questions such as, “If you want to stop migrant boats, why don’t you provide a legal means for people wanting to claim asylum in the UK?”. Well, the answer is obvious, is it not? If we provided a way for people to legally claim asylum in the UK, then people would start legally claiming asylum UK, and that would be a complete disaster.

The Wokerati must be stopped. They can not be allowed to use the liberal media to protect the rights of asylum seekers at a time when our party’s united disdain for asylum seekers is just about the only thing keeping it together. If we lose our fight to thoroughly demonise these people fleeing persecution, then what do we have left?

The Wokerati must fail, and by any means necessary. If I can find a way to imprison every last one of them for having the temerity to disagree with me, then trust me, I will.

Are you a Member of the Guardian-reading Tofu-eating Wokerati?

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