Tests reveal crows more intelligent than Tory voters

author avatar by 1 year ago

New tests have revealed that crows could be much more intelligent than previously thought.

Simon Williams, Professor of crows at Oxford University, explained the significance of the findings.

“These tests seem to show that, in intellectual terms, a crow is on a par with a 4-year-old child or a Tory voter.”

The tests were originally quite simple memory and maze-based problems that the crows could solve quite easily.

“It was around that time that we realised how smart they could be, so we set up some tests to specifically compare crows’ intelligence to that of Tory voters.”

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The first test was a basic ability to learn behaviour.

“We told crows and Tory voters they were going to get a food pellet, and then didn’t give them one.

“After one day, the crows realised that we weren’t going to do what we told them and flew off.

“As far as I know, the Tory voters are still waiting for their food pellets.

“They simply had no capacity to tell when they are being lied to, which the crows figured out pretty quickly.”

The next test was a socialisation test.

“We dyed a crow a different colour, the other crows realised immediately that colour was irrelevant and welcomed the crow and shared their food pellets.

“The Tory voters… well, that really didn’t go well.”

Finally, realising how potentially exciting the results could prove, Professor Williams tried a basic economic test.

“We gave a load of food pellets to one crow, and the other crows got agitated and demanded food pellets of their own.”

The Tory voters behaved quite differently.

“This is a direct quote – ‘brilliant, they’ve given Geoff a load of food pellets, it can only be a matter of time before they trickle down to us’.”

Despite the excitement caused by the results, Professor Williams was left a little downhearted.

“I just can’t help thinking that the country would be in a far better position if crows could vote.”