Foreign Secretary James Cleverly has asked fans attending the World Cup in Qatar to respect local values by inflicting brutal corporal punishment on players who have indulged in sexual immorality.
Mr Cleverly made a heartfelt appeal to fans, saying, “Please remember that when you travel to Qatar you are travelling to the Middle Ages.
“Please do not indulge in hooliganism by disrespecting the values of a country that is coincidentally the world’s third largest producer of natural gas.
“If you don’t feel comfortable yet with the idea of stoning adulterers, you can start building up to it by throwing fruit at a friend who you think has recently had a wank.
“LGBT fans, remember that your love for your partner is offensive to a regime that thinks the deaths of dozens of migrant workers is no big deal as long as the stadium gets built on time. So just take a cold shower and remember all that lovely natural gas.”
When asked why British citizens should be showing such deference to the values of an oppressive and authoritarian regime, Mr Cleverly explained, “Did you not hear me mention all the gas?”
A FIFA spokesperson confirmed that they were working hard to address concerns about human rights in Qatar, and had received assurances that for the duration of the tournament, handball will not be punishable by amputation of the offending hand.