New Tory government to redefine ‘compassion’ as destroying all hope and crushing your pathetic dreams

author avatar by 11 months ago

As Rishi Sunak became Prime Minister with less of a mandate than Freddy Krueger hosting a Boy Scout Jamboree, the Tories use of the word ‘compassion’ was called into question.

Following on from his reappointment of an anti-bean curd psychopath as Home Secretary, Sunak’s grasp of what actual words mean became the subject of much scrutiny.

The Covid party attendee promised to bring ‘integrity’ to number 10. A claim only valid if you ignore the fact that he has as much integrity as a wank sock in a charity auction.

Lexicographers were also left bemused by his use of the word ‘accountability’.

“Suella Braverman was forced to resign for a security breach less than a week ago,” said renowned word boffin Simon Williams. “Now she’s back in a position that she’s about as qualified for as a yeast infection.”

Sunak dismissed calls for anything bearing the slightest semblance of democracy and promised to fix the ‘mistakes’ of his predecessor Liz Truss.

Addressing the nation, he said, “I want to pay tribute to Liz. She made mistakes, but everything she did, she did for the right reasons – your ongoing and crippling misery.”