Chess dismissed as ‘woke nonsense’ after revelation that pawns can later self-identify as Bishops, Knights, AND Queens

Chess, the five-hundred-year-old abstract strategy game has today been dismissed as a tool of the wokerati after it was revealed that the pawns used in the game can later identify as bishops, knights and even Queens.

I don't care if my opponent thinks this pawn that reached my side of the board can suddenly identify as a Queen, I'm not having it.

Derek Williams, 65, a retired battery chicken farmer who is always on the lookout for the next big thing to be outraged by, spoke of his outrage, telling us, “It’s outrageous, absolutely outrageous!

“I don’t play chess just so these woke pieces can go around being all modern and gender-fluid. A pawn is a pawn is a pawn. That’s it. That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it should be. All this self-identifying nonsense is what’s stopping Brexit from being a success, and it needs to end now.

“I don’t care if my opponent thinks this pawn that reached my side of the board can suddenly identify as a Queen, I’m not having it. He’ll be telling me his pawn is a bloody attack helicopter next!”

Williams said his point had a more serious element, telling us, “Pawns just going around identifying as queens willy-nilly threatens the rights of real queens. If you have pawns going around pretending to be queens, what happens to the queens’ safe spaces, huh?

“The sooner we cancel Chess, the better.”