Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is to use his fiscal statement on 17th November to introduce an innovative approach to the country’s housing crisis – a Thunderdome in which young people do battle for an affordable home.
This government couldn’t show me any more contempt if one of them came round and shat on my duvet.
The Thunderdome, which will be built on the outskirts of Chelmsford in Essex, will be governed by one simple rule – ‘two men enter, one man leaves… with a lovely semi on the outskirts of a major dormitory town’.
It is expected that Channel 5 will secure the rights to broadcast live Thunderdome contests and also a lucrative Saturday night highlights package.
“Well there is nothing I like more than watching young folk batter each other into submission for my entertainment,” said apparently legitimate Home Secretary Suella Braverman.
“If this also provides a boost to the housing market then all the better.”
Young people themselves were dubious of the plan.
“Right, so it’s not enough that I’ve got to saddle myself with tens of thousands of pounds of debt for a university education, that I have no chance of living and working in Europe, and my career prospects are dependent on my ability to cycle quickly and keep food warm,” said young person Simon Williams.
“Now the only way I can avoid escalating interest rates and secure decent housing is through brutal unarmed combat?
“This government couldn’t show me any more contempt if one of them came round and shat on my duvet.”
It is understood that Mr Hunt originally planned to cut Stamp Duty, but as that would simply increase house prices due to demand further outstripping supply, it was decided that the Thunderdome plan was slightly less stupid.