Conspiratorial backstabbing amongst Tory MPs drops to almost zero as WhatsApp goes down

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The volume of conspiratorial plots by self-serving sociopathic Tory MPs has dropped to almost zero after Whatsapp went down this morning.

As the messenger service made popular by Tory MPs conspiring against each other suffered a major outage, many Tory MPs have been left wondering who they should be conspiring against, and why.

“Why did this have to happen on the day we appoint our new prime minister?” asked backbench Tory MP Simon Williams.

“I should be getting dozens of messages from my colleagues, giving me all sorts of briefing notes – both for and against – for all of the cabinet hopefuls I should either hate or get fully behind.

“It’s extremely difficult to know who I should be badmouthing to a friendly reporter in a dark corridor of parliament when I haven’t been given the Whatsapp message with explicit instructions to do so.

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“What if I get it wrong and accidentally brief against the new Home Secretary? Oh god, I’m going to have to be nice about all of my colleagues, aren’t I? Just in case.

“This is a nightmare.”