Rishi Sunak pledges new ‘Eat Out to Blackout’ scheme to address energy crisis

author avatar by 1 month ago

New prime minister Rishi Sunak will cunningly reduce demand on gas and electricity by making people eat in restaurants.

Rishi Sunak, a man so in touch with working-class people that he doesn’t so much as follow any of them on Twitter, has had a brilliant idea about how to solve the country’s energy crisis.

“It’s simple economics,” he explained to a group of Conservative Party members, the collective noun for which is ‘a clunge’.

“Energy prices are so high because demand is high. If demand dropped relative to supply then prices would soon follow.

“Therefore, as your new Prime Minister, I will implement an ‘Eat out to blackout’ scheme.

“Basically, everyone will be forced to eat in restaurants, rather than cook for themselves at home. This will obviously reduce the demand for gas and electricity supplies.

“I don’t expect everyone to visit upmarket eateries – lower-income households will be permitted to go to Old Macdonald’s or The King of Burgers or wherever.

“I’m aware that some households will struggle to afford to do even this, but that’s part of this amazing plan – unable to pay their bills, they’ll get energy supplies cut off completely and demand will then really plummet!

“Anyone who refuses to eat out will be deemed a criminal and punished accordingly.

“I’ll need to liaise with whichever psychopath I appoint as Home Secretary to determine suitable punitive measures – but let’s face it, it will likely involve being deported to Rwanda or drowned in the Channel.”

Are you a member of the Guardian-reading Tofu-eating Wokerati?