The Tory party will, this morning, announce plans to just set fire to the whole country and have done.
“We have to stop with this merry-go-round of Prime Ministers, Chancellors, and so on, and move to the final stage of our grand plan – setting fire to absolutely everything,” explained Kit Malthouse, whoever he is.
It is understood that the fire will be started across the country next Sunday. The ceremony will begin with a concert in Hyde Park featuring Morrissey, Tony Hadley and Gary fucking Barlow.
“At the climax of the gig, whoever is Prime Minister that day will set fire to London. Various ministers will simultaneously set fire to Manchester, Birmingham, and Glasgow. Over the following days, local councillors and activists will set fire to their respective towns and villages until the whole country is on fire.
“Verily, forsooth, and that,” said the absurd Jacob Rees-Mogg, who’s still floating around government like a turd that won’t flush.
“This is the final, greatest Brexit benefit of all. One wouldn’t be able to set fire to everything if we were still in the EU because of their absurd regulations. We have finally taken back control and can set fire to the entire country on our terms. Egads!”
Tory supporters broadly supported the plan.
“I think that, really, we just need a change,” said Simon Williams, a Tory supporter from Cleethorpes who runs a local cow painting business.
“It’s time to give setting fire to the country a try.”
Due to the nature of British democracy, if you are against setting fire to everything, you will have to wait until 2024-2025 and the next general election to register your protest by voting for a different party.