After Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones was ordered to pay $965m in damages to Sandy Hook families, America’s finest moron-baiter has been forced to start selling his conspiracies door-to-door to make some extra cash.
Jones was banned long ago from Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Spotify and iTunes in what many are seeing as “a perfectly sensible move in an attempt to remove harmful fake conspiracy nonsense from our lives.”
However, media consultant Chuck Matthews told us, “He has no choice now but to go door-to-door. And it’s a lot of doors that need to be visited to raise $965m.
“I’ve always thought of Alex Jones as one of those travelling salesmen from the Wild West, arriving in a new town with tall tales of how he was hounded out of the last town because his mind pills were too effective. Well, now he can go back to his roots.
“He claims that InfoWars is a legitimate news organisation. But what other news organisation spends large chunks of their airtime convincing you to buy a range of overpriced supplements that claim to improve your brain functions?
“He’s actually in the business of shifting snake oil to simpletons, and he knows an audience of willing conspiracy theorists is much more likely to convert into paying customers. If you can ignore the harmful nonsense he spouts, you can appreciate it as a solid business strategy. Milking sheep has never been so lucrative.”
Jones recently knocked on the door of Austin resident, Sharon Williams, who told us, “Yes, he knocked on my door this afternoon and the first thing he said was ‘did you know the water is turning the frogs gay?’.
“I thought it was a joke, but then he started talking about Sandy Hook crisis actors were trying to take all his money. Well, that was enough for me.
“If he’d been selling dusters or vacuum cleaners I might have been interested, but not this pathologically evil nonsense.
“I tried to shut the door on him so I could get on with my day, but then he started screaming through the letterbox about the benefits of something called BrainForce Plus – that’s when I called the police.”