NASA fires satellite at British government in attempt to change its course

author avatar by 2 years ago

NASA is trying to save lives by changing the direction of the UK government.

Having solved the problem of disastrous planet-killing asteroids, NASA is now using the same methods to prevent disastrous people-killing governments.

“We need to be ready for whatever the universe throws at us,” said NASA’s Head of Planetary Defence, Chuck Williams.

“Alien invasion, asteroids or some other extinction-level event such as Liz Truss opening her mouth.

“If the British government continues on its current trajectory then millions of people will die. We will therefore knock Truss and her cabinet off their current course by firing a small satellite directly at them.

NewsThump best selling notebooks

“We couldn’t have attempted such a manoeuvre a decade ago – our telescopes simply wouldn’t have been powerful enough to locate Liz Truss’ brain.

“The object to be fired is roughly the size of a fridge – don’t worry though, it will be travelling at 14,000 mph, which is far too fast for someone to hop inside and hide.”

Mr Williams admitted that the plan wasn’t completely foolproof.

“The biggest risk is that, moments before impact, Truss will perform a U-turn. This could mean that the satellite actually knocks the government back ON to its dangerous course.

“The other risk is that Truss will break in half upon impact and the British people will be left with two of her trying to run the country, both constantly changing their minds and dressing up like twats.

“But we have to try – we can’t just sit here and watch an entire civilisation get wiped out.”

Anti-Growth Coalition ASSEMBLE – get the new best-selling T-shirt here!

NewsThump Hoodies