Six Beatles songs it’s best to pretend don’t exist

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To avoid the Beatles being cancelled or reappraised, simply ignore a handful of their songs.

Without the Beatles, the UK would have literally nothing good. So it’s best pretend they never wrote these:

Little Child

Rock and pop has many problematic songs about underage girls. But compare the sly ambiguity of the Stones ‘I don’t need no ID,’ or ABBA’s ‘Does your mother know?’ to Lennon’s gleeful pursuit of someone clearly under the age of consent.

‘I’m so sad and lonely… don’t you run and hide, just come on,’ he sings to a minor, repeatedly adding the word ‘Little’ in case you were in any doubt about her age.

Makes a thirty-three-year-old Ringo singing ‘You’re sixteen, you’re beautiful and you’re mine,’ seem totally healthy and normal.

You Can’t Do That

If 1964’s John Lennon had one message for the hordes of screaming girls, it was this: obey men.

‘I’m gonna let you down and leave you flat because I told you before, you can’t do that,’ he wrote. Don’t try to say it was a wry comment on the burgeoning inflatable sex doll industry – they took off a whole decade later.

Run For Your Life

Still an unreformed misogynist in 1965, Lennon seems to think he should have complete control over the speed at which the women in his life move. After telling a little child not to run, Lennon now tells a lover to sprint or he’ll kill her. 

Oh yes, the threat of murder isn’t great either.

If You’ve Got Trouble

This one isn’t problematic, it’s just utter dogshit. Why this was included on 1996’s Anthology 2 just as the Beatles were becoming fashionable again is anyone’s guess. Perhaps they wanted to reassure people that they were human after all, but who the hell wants to know that? 

As reassuring – and as entertaining – as being told there is no God and that life has no meaning.

Don’t Pass Me By 

Ringo’s first solo songwriting credit, probably included on the White Album to make McCartney’s Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da seem like a masterpiece. He learnt a valuable lesson though – get George to write the music for him in future.

Apologists will claim that you need to listen to the slightly faster mono version in order to reveal the song’s charms. Nope, it’s still as charming as a kitten having diarrhoea in the middle of your living room.

Revolution 9

Some people insist that this is an avant-garde triumph with a clever structure, carefully crafted sense of mood and a coherent narrative.

The ghost of John Lennon is laughing at those people.