Putin, Dead Queen, Thanos – the Anti-Growth Coalition explained

author avatar by 2 months ago

The Anti-Growth Coalition is an insidious force intent on making us all poorer. But who are they, and is this just something Liz Truss made up this morning while on the loo?

The Prime Minister has enemies. The Anti-Growth Coalition are coming and they will do their very best to shrink the British economy. Because they bloody love financial stagnation.

Liz Truss talked us through the composition of this heinous group.

Vladimir Putin

“If you have less money in your pocket it’s because of Putin,” she explained. “We as the Government can only look on in horror as energy companies rake in massive profits while the elderly freeze to death. Stupid anti-growth Russian bastard!”

The Deceased Elizabeth II

“As Kwasi has explained, the pressure of the Queen’s death caused us, I mean him, to rush the mini-budget, crashing sterling and making us all look like incompetent twats. I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead but… how dare she, the selfish mortal-coil-shuffling bitch!”

Thanos

“Destroying half of all living things is incredibly anti-growth. I mean, poor people could probably do with a bit of a cull, but dissolving wealthy entrepreneurial value-generators? Despicable!”

Weedol Pathclear

“If you want this country to be all brown and straggly then go ahead and don’t vote Conservative at the next election. This stuff is devastatingly lethal against growing plants. 

“Look, it still counts, alright?”

Kwasi Kwarteng

“Sterling crashes every time he wakes up in the morning so I suppose I have to admit that he’s part of the problem. Although actually, it recovers slightly when he goes to bed at night, so who knows what to think?

“I certainly don’t!”

Anti-Growth Coalition Assemble! Get the T-shirt here!