Labour lead up to 45,612pts in new poll. No wait, 49,827pts. No, 54,289pts

author avatar by 2 months ago

A newly released poll shows Labour up 45,612 points on the Conservatives. That’s up from 49 points yesterday. No, wait, it’s gone up again, it’s 49,827 points. Hang on, no, now we’re at 54,289 points.

The poll (now at 57,545 points) was created from a sample size of just over 1000 people and shows that of that group, 59,629 (up 1100 in the last few seconds) would vote Labour over the Tory party in the next election.

“We’ve never seen a poll like this,” explained pollster Simon Williams.

“Normally, when we create a poll, after we’ve collated the results, it shows a number of subsets of the people polled that, when summed together, gives the total number of participants in the poll. These subsets are then presented as percentages that equate to voting intention.

“For some reason, this poll has yielded a number of results that is 60 times the number of – no, sorry, 61 times the number of participants.

“And it keeps increasing. We’ve never seen that before. The results, in normal polls, are static. But this one, the number of people intending to vote Labour just keeps increasing. It’s at 63,000 or so now. No, 64,000.”

Mr Williams, a respected expert in the field of electoral polling could only speculate on the strangeness of the results.

“Well, like I say, I’ve never seen anything like this before, so I can only guess, but I would suggest that the Tories under Liz Truss are so galactically shit that the fundamental laws of mathematics have broken down.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the latest Truss-cabinet edition here!