Investigation: Did wokeness cause the hole in your jumper?

author avatar by 2 months ago

After a hole developed on the elbow of your jumper, you assumed that it was caused by natural wear-and-tear after 7 years of use.

However, there is growing evidence that the hole was actually caused by wokeness. We investigate.

“What you’ve got to understand is that the left’s almost fascist mania for being ‘woke’ is dominating society at the moment,” said Simon Williams, a man who is paid by legitimate sources to stir up division on Twitter.

“It is causing good men to lose their jobs simply for saying they don’t like black people. Women who believe gay marriage is an abomination are being shunned by friends and colleagues. The cancer of wokeness is infecting everything, so do I think it caused a hole in this person’s jumper? Yes, I do. 

“I find it hard to think there could be any other explanation for it, frankly.”

Although there have been no proven instances of wokeness actually affecting physical items before, Williams was quite to emphasise the counterpoint that there also is also no evidence that it hasn’t.

There has certainly never been a time in history when people have been so under threat by a woke ideology that seems to dominate everyone’s thoughts and actions, so it certainly doesn’t seem to be too far-fetched that such a pernicious philosophy could have caused that hole in your jumper and we would advise getting it mended and sending the bill to Gary Lineker or Meghan Markle.

Next week: Did wokeness cause your dad to stub his toe? Almost certainly.

Woke as F*ck – get the mug here!