To protect Chelsea supporters from the oppression of the premier league table, Vladimir Putin has declared his intention to intervene in London on ‘humanitarian grounds’.
Speaking to the Duma, Putin said that Chelsea had been surrounded by hostile teams who staged unprovoked attacks on their 18-yard-box and goalmouth, resulting in ‘serious harm to their chances of any silverware’.
To protect innocent Chelsea fans from further aggression from West Ham – 180,000 Russian troops including mechanised infantry will be deployed to the Shed End immediately.
Putin went on to announce the borders of Chelsea would include large parts of Kensington and Westminster, as that’s where his friend’s houses are and where he spent all that money in political donations.
However, he said the Russian people had no interest in Islington as they’d tried Marxism once and it didn’t work out so well last time.
NATO is expected to respond to the territorial claim by issuing anti-tank weaponry to Crystal Palace on Saturday.