‘My mortgage is fixed until 2027 so I don’t see what all the fuss is about’: The top five ways Tory bootlickers are pretending everything is fine

author avatar by 1 year ago

The economy is wobbling like a 3 am Newcastle hen-do, but for some Tory voters, everything is just fine and dandy thanks to the overwhelming evidence of their own personal experience.

With rampant inflation, rising national debt, a tumbling pound, interest rates set to jump and a shrinking economy, you could be forgiven for thinking the new Tory government has completely fucked it. But no, Tory bootlickers in their hundreds are here to put you right, and here are the top five ways they are doing it:

1. ‘My mortgage is fixed until 2027 so I don’t see what all the fuss is about’

“Why is everyone needlessly worrying about interest rates and mortgages? Earlier this year I fixed my interest rate for the next FIVE years. Job done. It’s not my fault no one is as clever as me.”

2. ‘I just put a jumper on to warm up, you need to stop moaning’

“The heating bill is still only £50 a week in my two-bed terrace, so I’ve no idea what these people paying two grand a month are doing. Put a jumper on and quit whinging. A bit of cold never did anyone any harm. I had ice on the inside of my windows as a kid and I turned into a perfectly well-rounded individual.”

3. ‘I got a pay rise so don’t believe everything you read about stagnant wages’.

“I’m earning more now than I ever have, thanks to my promotion at work, which just goes to show that hard work pays off. If your wages are stagnant get a better job – stop whining about employers not paying you enough. If you were better at your job they would.”

4. ‘A tumbling pound is actually really good for exports’

“My company sells around the world so a cheaper pound is brilliant for business, but you won’t hear the leftist woke media talking about that, will you? Yes, my raw materials are now way more expensive, but that’s beside the point.”

5. ‘Cost of living crisis? Lots of companies are having closing down sales, so there are bargains galore if you’re not too lazy to shop around’

“There are two stores on my high street that are having closing down sales, and you wouldn’t believe the discounts. Cost of living crisis? Don’t make me laugh, if that were true, how would I have been able to buy a £500 table and chair set for the kitchen for just £200?”