Britain to be kept warm this winter by burning a huge pile of money, pledges new Prime Minister

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The Conservative Party will generate heat and power for Britain by burning an unprecedented amount of money, according to plans announced on Friday.

Pledging to keep people warm this winter, Liz Truss intends to ‘cut out the middle man’, and help keep the lights on by setting light to whopping great piles of readies.

In a move which is seen as “attacking Labour from the left”, the Conservatives are targeting their core vote by printing a really quite eye-watering sum of money before coming round and stuffing it in your boiler.

With eyes pointing firmly in different directions, Liz Truss confirmed she believed this action would be entirely consequence-free.

She told reporters, “As money is made of paper, burning it is carbon-neutral and it is expected the UK will be self-sufficient in energy for several weeks under my government, right up until it all runs out.

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“This would make a not insubstantial contribution to the fight against climate change,” we were told.

When reporters asked what would happen next, Jacob Rees-Mogg confirmed the party would change its name to the Soylent Green Party and introduce a new, low-cost food substitute to help beat soaring prices of groceries.