Friday 23 September 2022

New Chancellor uses mini-budget to announce drastic cuts in honesty


Kwasi Kwarteng announces drastic cuts in honesty

New Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng has used his mini-budget to announce a huge cut in honesty, to take effect immediately.

Kwarteng stood before the house to announce the new cuts in honesty by leading with his decision to keep the OBRs economic forecast all to himself.

The Chancellor explained, “For too long this country has been hamstrung by repeated governments who seemed hellbent on keeping the electorate dangerously well-informed, well that stops NOW.

“No country ever thrived because its citizens were well-informed, and we are not about to risk our country’s future with frivolous notions of voters knowing what is really going on.

“Honest and difficult conversations about our economic reality will be replaced with whatever we want you to believe on any given day. And trust me, you will thank us for it.”

The Chancellor went on to cement his commitment to honesty reduction by announcing his decision to remove the cap on bankers’ bonuses, a move which he claimed with an entirely straight face is in the “best interests of the nation”.

Voter Simon Williams told us, “I’m used to politicians telling a few lies every now and again, so I suppose we should be grateful this new lot are at least quite open about their plans to do it so much more often?

“I mean, it does sound like they are saddling the nation with £60bn of unnecessary debt instead of taxing the income windfalls of the energy producers, but then the Chancellor said that’s not true – so I don’t know who I should believe? The man who just announced a big cut in honesty, or absolutely everyone else?

“I did think it was quite honest of him to admit the previous government had got things very wrong, hence all the changes he’s making, but then he did appear to pretend he and the prime minister weren’t a big part of that government?

“Still, as long as the lies give me a nice warm feeling in my tummy then he can have my vote.”

The all-new Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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