Country-wide relief that bankers may make it through cost-of-living crisis unscathed

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There has been widespread relief felt throughout the country that bankers may just be able to make it through the cost-of-living crisis unscathed.

In an emergency measure that shows just how much new Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng understands the magnitude of the crisis engulfing the country, he has quickly moved to scrap the cap on bankers’ bonuses.

“I mean, that’s a weight off my mind, it really is,” explained Simon Williams, a primary school teacher in Bridlington who was waiting in a queue for a food bank.

“All year. Ever since we started to get a feel for how bad this cost-of-living crisis really is, my only thought has been for the bankers and how, or even if, they’ll be able to cope with their bonuses capped to a meagre two times the size of their enormous salaries.

“Would they have been able to afford that third holiday in Aruba? Would they have had to drop the temperature in their swimming pools? – I mean, no one likes a tepid swimming pool? What about cocaine! God, they might not have been able to afford all their cocaine.

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“It really would have been tough for them, really tough. So, I’m just glad that whatever happens. No matter how bad things get, the bankers are going to be fine. Especially now they’ve done away with the top rate of tax, too.”

Whilst the relief is palpable that bankers will be fine, there is still some concern about a group of people who seemed to be completely passed over in the mini-budget – Tory MPs – Will they be alright? Without greater government help, we simply can’t be sure.

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