BBC newsreader Huw Edwards needs surgery to remove his black suit after discovering he’s physically unable to take it off.
The Queen’s funeral is over and Huw Edwards can finally take off his black suit. Except, he can’t.
“As soon as yesterday’s broadcast finished, I raced to my dressing room to remove the rancid thing!” said Mr Edwards.
“Not gonna lie, my black suit is now twice as heavy as it was a fortnight ago due to all the sweat it’s absorbed. It absolutely bloody reeks.
“Imagine my horror then, when I realised that the suit is now literally a part of my skin. I’m going to need the assistance of a top surgeon to extricate myself. Private, obviously – I’m not waiting two years for the NHS to do it. I’m a professional, I can’t go around smelling like a dead skunk any longer.”
Top surgeon, Simon Williams, said, “It’s a tricky little procedure but perfectly doable.
“First, I’ll flay Mr Edwards from head to toe – the suit coming off alongside his skin. This will leave his muscle exposed everywhere except his bottom, genitals and feet which would have been protected by his pants and socks.
“I’ll then cut strips off his backside and build up his arms and legs, a bit like I’m making a papier-mâché figurine.
“The soles of his feet will be sliced off and cut up to make him a rather attractive six-pack.
“He’ll be back to normal in no time. Well, apart from never being able to sit down again. But I’m sure that won’t be a problem in his line of work.
“Weirdly, I offered the same service to Nicholas Witchell but he said he wants to keep wearing his black suit forever…”