Any British people who decide not to watch Her Majesty’s funeral will have their passports revoked and be sent to live in Rwanda.
In this time of national mourning, anyone who thinks about anything other than the Queen is obviously a traitor who hates their country. They will be treated as such.
“All we want is for people to spend the whole of Monday glued to the funeral ceremony,” said Home Office spokesman, Simon Williams.
“It shouldn’t be a big ask – we’ve declared a national holiday to make it as easy as possible. People won’t have the inconvenience of work, or family funerals, or time-consuming cancer treatments or surgeries – we have helpfully cancelled all of those.
“There really is no excuse for not watching the funeral and weeping. We don’t even require full-on hysterics – a few respectful tears will be fine. Just don’t watch or do anything else.
“Those who don’t comply will be punished by being stripped of their British citizenship and deported to Rwanda. This is actually quite a lenient punishment as Rwanda is a land of opportunity with an impeccable human rights record.
“We have the full cooperation of TV licence detection vans – which can tell exactly what channel you’re watching at all times – and Internet service providers. Anyone who dips into Netflix or Disney Plus WILL be caught.
“If you don’t have a television, you have 72 hours to get one, or you can watch the funeral free of charge in a cinema. Alternatively, don’t bother – if you fancy a new life in Central Africa!
“One other thing: any citizens trying to escape the funeral by travelling to France in small boats will be fired upon by the Royal Navy.”