Friday 16 September 2022 by Mark Molloy

‘I always pick the squad based on form’ insists man who picked Grealish, Maguire, Phillips and Shaw


Gareth Southgate

Gareth Southgate has insisted today that he always selects his England squad based on current form, despite demonstrably not picking a squad based on their current form.

With the latest England squad released yesterday, which was mainly all defenders, and Harry Maguire, England manager Southgate has looked to explain his selections today by confirming that his decisions are based on nothing more than form, and keeping a few of his bestest friends happy. 

Speaking earlier he told us, “They are all playing great!

“I have picked my England squad purely based on the form of the player at this present time and how well they are playing for their clubs.

“Which is why I have selected Grealish, who has been absolutely bang average during the few minutes he spends on the pitch every other game.

“Yes, Jack is now a shadow of the player he was at Aston Villa, when he was a naturally gifted player with flair and confidence who regularly got fans out of their seats – but that’s not what I want for England. I want players capable of rigidly adopting a style that completely restricts their own individual creativity, and thankfully Pep has knocked that flair right out of him.

“Plus, players who can perform poorly in the Champions League are much more important to me than those performing brilliantly in the Premier League.

“And as for Harry Maguire, who has been completely dropped by United for any game of importance, I’ll still pick him every time because he’s a nice lad – along with Luke Shaw who doesn’t even get a look in at all at United and has probably started comfort eating.

“And then of course there is Alexander Arnold, a defender who genuinely hates defending, and Kalvin Phillips, who I picked just to make sure he was still alive. In fact, has he retired? I guess we’ll find out when the squad reports at the weekend.” 

Asked if he feels he may have made any errors whatsoever in his squad selection, we were told, “Definitely not, apart from that Toney lad for Brentford. He’s obviously not coming to the World Cup – doesn’t fit in with my style at all. He keeps scoring too many goals.”

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