Friday 16 September 2022 by Chris Ballard

Charles III to abdicate after encountering yet another broken pen


King Charles to abdicate

The reign of King Charles III looks to be over barely a week after it began – and it’s all because of those STINKING PENS.

God has failed to save the King. In fact, it almost feels like God has intentionally attacked the King, such is the quantity of astonishingly shoddy writing materials that have crossed Charles’ path in the last few days.

“That’s it!” screamed Charles. “I can’t do this anymore! I quit! All I want to do is sign my bloody name and the world just won’t let me!

“Mama taught me a lot but she never mentioned the fucking pens!

“Since becoming King I’ve had leaky pens, pens that have run out of ink, pens that have snapped, pens that have been in my way, and pens where nothing happens when you try to click them up.

“Only this morning I had to sign some piece of shit and was handed one of those big fat pens with the choice of four colours. Naturally, the spring mechanism was faulty and it was stuck on green.

“‘Just sign it in green,’ said Camilla. I’m not going to sign anything in stinking green! I’m the fucking King! It’d make me look like a right twat!

“So balls to it. William is welcome to deal with the pens, I’m too old for this shit!

“Fucking pens!”

Royal Aide Simon Williams said, “Probably just as well. He’ll need to use a sword when knighting people and that’s even trickier than using a pen.”

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