Thursday 15 September 2022 by Pete Redfern

Nation stunned after Paddington reveals he is an anti-monarchist


Paddington Not My King

A grieving nation has been left reeling this morning after it emerged that Paddington thinks the monarchy should be abolished.

Speaking to reporters outside his house in Windsor Gardens, Notting Hill, the tiny bear confessed, “I’ve been overwhelmed by the number of messages of condolence that I have received, and the number toy bears that have been left in tribute to the Queen, but I must admit that I am a little baffled by the association between myself and her late Majesty.

“She was undoubtedly a remarkable lady, possessing incredible strength of character and who dedicated her entire life to the service of her country, but I only met her the once, for that sketch for the Platinum Jubilee, and that was only because my agent told me it was too good an opportunity to pass up.”

Taking a bite from a marmalade sandwich, the only immigrant the Daily Mail approves of continued, “Truth be told, the monarchy strikes me as quite an outdated concept, expensive to the taxpayer, and more importantly, it’s entirely undemocratic.

“Even darkest Peru has progressed beyond having Kings, Queens and this ‘born to rule’ nonsense.”

Shaking his head sadly he went on, “I will mourn the loss of her as a person, she was lovely, but surely now is the time to abolish the monarchy and replace it with an elected, democratic head of state?”

As Paddington returned indoors, a police car was seen drawing up outside 32 Windsor Gardens, whereupon three armed officers leapt out, kicked down the door and a single shot was heard to ring out.

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