Thursday 15 September 2022 by Lucas Wilde

Middle age hurtling towards millennial like a f*cking freight train


Millennial man on the sofa

Middle age is fast approaching a millennial and he can’t get out of the way.

Simon Williams, 37, sealed his fate after browsing a holiday brochure and realising he was open to the idea of a cruise.

“Not only was I saying ‘maybe’ to a cruise, but I was also doing it after flicking through a physical brochure that you hold in your hands,” sobbed Williams.

“What has happened to me? Only a few years ago I was getting trashed in the local boozer and waking up for a run the next day.

“Now I’m napping in the afternoons and considering buying a pair of beige trousers. This can’t be right, I was born in 1985, I’m YOUNG. I need to see a doctor.”

Simon’s doctor, who is two years younger than him, said, “nah, you’re not.

“You WERE, seven or, at a push, five years ago, but now you’re up for a wee in the night and you can’t eat a pizza unless you want to spend the next six months trying to work it off – or, more likely, just give up and accept being fat.

“You’re doomed. Get used to it.”

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