Wednesday 14 September 2022 by Chris Ballard

We need a bigger TV to watch the Queen’s funeral, insists husband


man buying television

A man has tried his luck by suggesting to his wife that they need a massive new telly to appreciate the Queen’s funeral fully.

Simon has had the same TV for more than six months. Naturally, he’s therefore hankering for a bigger one.

“Fifty inches seemed ample when we bought it back in February,” said Simon. “But you soon get used to it, don’t you? I just think we need a bigger one.

“As I pointed out to my wife Karen, Monday’s funeral is a major historical event. How will we be able to appreciate the gravitas of the occasion unless we pop to Curry’s at the weekend and upgrade to a fifty-five inch?

“As it stands, we’ll barely be able to see the tears on the cheeks of the chief mourners. 

“How will we be able to have an informed opinion about whether Meghan is wearing a wire if everything is a fifty-inch HD blur? 

“And we certainly don’t want to miss out on a glimpse of Nicholas Witchell’s day-long erection.

“No, a bigger telly isn’t something I want, but I’m afraid it’s something we need.”

Simon’s wife Karen said, “I know his game – in a couple of months he’ll want to change it for a sixty-five inch in order to ‘appreciate’ the World Cup.

“Tell you what Simon, why don’t we just sell our home and buy a fucking house-sized television?”

“Finally!” said Simon. “We’re on the same wavelength!”

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