The Metropolitan Police have today issued a stark warning that until the public attains a higher standard of respectful mourning, heavy-handed arrests will continue to be made.
Standing near Buckingham Palace and surrounded by armed police – with the exception of the firearms officer who was suspended after shooting an unarmed black man last week – Chief Constable Simon Williams issued a stern warning to those present.
“The right to free speech is crucial in any democracy,” he began, scouring the crowd for anyone holding a blank piece of card on which treasonous statements could possibly be written.
“But as we know, the monarch – God Save The King! – is not democratically elected, so free speech doesn’t come into it, I’m afraid.”
He continued, “In fact, not only will we arrest anyone protesting anywhere within London, we will also arrest anyone within the immediate vicinity who is not mourning to the required standard.
“By which I mean, anyone who is not able to, when requested, cry fifty to sixty millilitres of tears, or accurately quote the entire conversation between her late Majesty and Paddington from that Platinum Jubilee sketch.”
Upon hearing the announcement, one man standing nearby immediately began to wail and tear his clothes into shreds, until the person next to him with a camera said, “Hang on Mr Wootton, it wasn’t recording, can we try another take?”